How we love

January 28, 2019

We are wired for connection, wired for love and yet we humans struggle with how best to show up for one another and how to feel best 'met'. Our expectations have deep roots, and often we're not clear on the origins of these stories and we're also not very clear on how best our needs might be met.

 

"Naming love too early is a beautiful but harrowing human difficulty. Most of our heartbreak comes from attempting to name who or what we love and the way we love, too early in the vulnerable journey of discovery.

We can never know in the beginning, in giving ourselves to a person, to a work, to a marriage or to a cause, exactly what kind of love we are involved with. When we demand a certain specific kind of reciprocation before the revelation has flowered completely we find ourselves disappointed and bereaved and in that grief may miss the particular form of love that is actually possible but that did not meet our initial and too specific expectations. Feeling bereft we take our identity as one who is disappointed in love, our almost proud disappointment preventing us from seeing the lack of reciprocation from the person or the situation as simply a difficult invitation into a deeper and as yet unrecognizable form of affection." ~ David Whyte

 

We come at love with an idea in mind, a story of how it 'should' be and cling to that. When reality offers us another, somewhat different experience, OUR story feels challenged. We lock onto our expectations for they are ours and must surely be right and the ones for us and yet in holding so tight, we miss the opportunity of what might actually be a more fulfilling, more rich, more meaningful and deep connection. 

Knowing what our most important needs are, but relaxing in how firmly we think they must be met, allows for movement and flexibility.

According to Human Needs Psychology, there are 6 essential needs that people require.

   *certainty

   *variety

   *significance

   *love & connection

   *growth

   *contribution

If we are able to meet 2 of these needs within our relationship, we have a friendship. If we meet 4 or more, we will find ourselves bonded together in the most fulfilling of ways. "Knowing what the other person really needs not only wards off potential conflict but also opens up a whole new world of intimacy and understanding between two people" and having our needs met, triggers our feelings of connection and love and there's a strong reciprocal emotional circle created.

Taking our time to get to know another person, to find out what is important to them and what met needs are paramount for the other person, as well as sharing what ours are, builds trust and gives the other person clues as to how best to show up in the relationship. So take your time and enjoy the beauty of what will unfold.

 

 

 

 

 

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